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Cole

[ website | Hey Boys and Girls! ]
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[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[21 Apr 2009|05:39pm]
My surgical consult is tomorrow.

I'm so grateful it hurts, and so scared I could pee!
2 Traffic Tickets| Illegal Manuvers

[04 Mar 2009|06:56pm]
I'll be getting my surgery soon, probably within the year.

whoa.
1 Traffic Ticket| Illegal Manuvers

Build a fire [16 Dec 2008|05:34pm]
I can build a fire.
Gather kindling,
Lean it at fourty five degrees
Balance it heads together
Over tinder
Light it up and watch it glow.

I can build a fire
Fan the flames
Watch them build
Consume
Reduce
Die

I can build a fire
I can build it out of wet wood
I can seek out the dead in tree tops
Stack large logs to dry by the blaze that will soon
Destroy them

I can build a fire
A small one
That burns hot and bright through the night
Feed it slowly over hours.
A flame of survival that fends off the cold
That fights off the freeze
That becons the lost one home

I can build a fire
So large that ten may sit around it
And they will to
Swap stories
Laugh, love
Watch the logs fall in the blaze
Watch the blaze reflected in each others eyes and smiles

I can build a fire
Out of patience, persiverance and simple
Country boy know how
These hands are capable of fire building
These hands are capable of sustaining
These hands are capable of survival.
Illegal Manuvers

[30 Oct 2008|04:28pm]
[ mood | amazed ]

I heard and knew in some shallow way what they were telling me, but it didn't sink in till now.

It really, honestly doesn't have to be like it was anymore.

That's amazing.

1 Traffic Ticket| Illegal Manuvers

Sobriety [23 Oct 2008|07:30pm]
Well damn. 52 days sober. What a miricle.

I finished writing my first step the other night. To be honest, when my sponser told me it was ready to start I had mixed emotions. On one hand I wondered how useful it could possibly be. That I was powerless before alcohol and my life had become unmanagable seemed increadibly self evident. On the other hand, starting the steps is big, big and fucking scary.

What I found out has been amazing. I had thought of myself as a high bottom drunk. As someone who was lucky enough to get away with most of my life in tact. In reality...the only reason that I didn't loose anything is that I had never built anything to loose. Things have been so bad for so long that I couldn't see my consequences...my life was my consequence.

The last month and a half has completely deconstructed all but a framework of my identity. What I'm left with is a deep sence of humility and gratitude, a deep sence of "52 days sober, well damn. What a miricle"
3 Traffic Tickets| Illegal Manuvers

The meeting is now open [19 Sep 2008|11:17pm]
[ mood | determined ]

Two years ago I realized I was an alcoholic. Seventeen days ago I did something about it. Making those first phone calls to sober friends, asking for help was the most frightening thing I had done to date--but I felt better afterwards...a lot better. I felt like I was making forward progression for the first time in years.
I went to my first meeting that night so terrified I felt numb. I was in a church basement, drinking nerve jangling coffee from a styrifoam cup, wondering how the hell I was going to get out of this mess. Then they started talking. Sentences straight from my head were coming out of other people, person after person relating experiences that I had never considered might be shared.

Seventeen days later it's not all sweetness and roses. Sometimes I forget what I've heard in meeting after meeting. Sometimes I feel lonely and fucked up beyond repair. I'm waking up and realizing just how fucked my life has been, how crazed my thinking was...and still is. The fall out is wide reaching, including the messy ending of my four year relationship. This whole sobriety thing sucks in many regards, but I've looked around some rooms and decided I want what they have. I'm tired of the isolation of my drinking, of feeling powerless in my own life, of settling for whatever allows me to continue medicating myself into oblivion.

I don't like calling strangers and asking for help. I don't like rearranging my life to make meetings. I don't like talking to my sponsor every day--hell, I don't even particularly like my sponsor. I'm still a hard packed ball of pure will in many ways, but I'm doing it, and it's helping, little by little I'm getting better. Strange yet familiar feelings keep bubbling to the surface, feelings like 'hope' and 'self-worth'. Every day I don't drink is a mix of accomplishment and miracle--amazing to think of after so much time spent with little of either in my life.

1 Traffic Ticket| Illegal Manuvers

[26 Aug 2008|12:46pm]
My T finally arrived. Between not being payed by my employer and an epic mix up within the US Postal System it had been about two months since my first missed shot. Not recommended kids.

In other news, I have job starting next Wednesday at Northwest Center, job coaching developmentally disabled adults in the work place. The interview was great, I loved the people who interviewed me. I haggled a little bit over salary and this woman leaned over the table, stared at me for a second, arched an eyebrow and asked "do you play poker?" My kind of people.
2 Traffic Tickets| Illegal Manuvers

Nice place to visit or The Runaway [07 Aug 2008|09:42pm]
Being in California has been... something.

I don't want to go back. But I don't want to stay here. I guess I just don't want to be anywhere, or in any situation that I've been in. Seattle is such a beautiful city, and I'm glad to call it my home, but the noise and motion of the city has been grinding me into a fine powder.
California makes me glad I left. No matter how much I miss my family, or wish I had Jason around, or pine for a salt scented, head scrubbing walk along the beach--moving was one of the best decisions I have ever made. This place is so static. I felt myself re-rooting to the soil of this place within minutes, old habits carried out. It is so alluring, a pattern that could take me back permenatly if I forget to disengage.

My family has been trying so hard, but of course they still slip, and the sound of my old name comes down to nail me to this place. Boxed in, I fight to breathe and then smile. Knowing I've already escaped.

Just like many other times this night has caught me dreaming dreams of having the stones to split off and do something. Run off to the woods. Get a job in montana training horses and live in a trailer. Move into a commune. Start a doomed farming operation on Lopez, then start a succesfull b&b instead. Bike across the country with my cat riding in my messenger bag.

I think I need to go away for awhile. Take a trip to someone else's static and settle myself down.
Illegal Manuvers

In which the shit hits the fan [04 Aug 2008|01:11am]
This story bears telling, but I'm tired so it will be done in brief.

The Cafe was sold to the man who owns the Ethiopian restaurant next door on the 16th of June. I quit without notice on the 24th of July because they hadn't payed me the entire time. My check was put in the mail last Monday (they say) but it still hasn't arrived. I'm filing with Labor and Industries, but in the mean time I'm out of my meds, and completely broke.
Illegal Manuvers

reveling [01 Jul 2008|10:09pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

After work I decided to go get a hat. The little gear bags I found at the Army Surplus store were so awsome I had to ride to the So-Do location.
Next was a long haul to the Georgetown Goodwill, then up through the ID with a pitstop at Vegan Garden for some pineapple glutan and chocolate cake.

My body flexed and strained and moved me through five districts. It ground up hills, flew through corners, and alleycatted it's way through the no man's lands of Seattle's industrial areas at my command. It felt increadable to feel my muscles and consider what else they might be capable of.

1 Traffic Ticket| Illegal Manuvers

[22 Jun 2008|08:41pm]
They called it a degloving, all I knew was that he looked vivasected.
I cracked the cans of cat food and shrugged when he didn't come running. Likelyhood: he's outside, out of range. Then, when walking barefoot to bed I heard the growl.
He was wild. He half hobbled, half fought his way around the livingroom, yowling and screaming at me as I tried to get him in the cat carrier, with its too-small opening. His left hind was flayed to the skin and he was strong as an amimal twice his size. Out of desperation I threw the Uber into the carrier and tipped the yowling Miso into the bird cage.
The rest was a blur of vets, diagnoses and treatments. Amputation, wet to dry wrappings, sedation... Everytime I caught a glimps of him he was growling, his pain fighting the sedation that kept his pupils wide.
Even when the decision was made I couldn't touch him till he was half gone.
Illegal Manuvers

[22 May 2008|12:15pm]
I found a lady bug laying eggs on my Cuban oregino.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
By yerboyhowdy, shot with KODAK EASYSHARE C713 ZOOM DIGITAL CAMERA at 2008-05-22

I love this time of year.
Illegal Manuvers

[14 Apr 2008|09:41pm]
I feel like my head is on fire. There is an ache I haven't felt since highschool, a petrified feeling that never comes from anywhere else.

I just want to know. Once and for all--or more.
3 Traffic Tickets| Illegal Manuvers

Well shit... [11 Apr 2008|09:39pm]
Last tuesday I got a long awaited and much hoped for promotion. I'm now the newest cook at Caffeine Cafe. I was to take over the shifts that my manager had been working untill we found another chef.
I want to make a carreer in food and was exited about learning the ropes in a low key enviornment under a highly experianced and knowlegeble chef. It was the perfict situation.

Today that chef quit without notice.

Now I'm going to get thrown into the fire. My manager and I will be splitting his shifts. It's good for me in the short term as I won't be needing another job to get by, but this has very quickly turned from a learning experiance that could jump start my career to a slogging, dead end situation.
Illegal Manuvers

Oh shit [26 Mar 2008|06:26pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Nat just gave her one month notice at work. I'm about to take a break from school, which means picking up the bills that my parents have been helping out with. It was going to be tight before this, but now we've got to find her a new job (or two), find me another job and move in a month's time.

2 Traffic Tickets| Illegal Manuvers

My Summer Vacation [15 Mar 2008|08:42am]
[ mood | blessed ]

I've been e-mailing back and forth with my dad, working on plans for a vacation we're planning on taking together. The original idea was for us to meet in Ashland with the bikes and backpacks for ten days of hiking, biking and river rafting. Now it's looking like (Due to ol' T-Bones touring schedule) I'll be heading to the central coast, going to a concert and then heading out to the Sierra's for a week of one on one backpacking.
Ten days...
That's a long time for two people with a history like ours. We don't see eye to eye in general, and there is still a lot of hurt and misunderstanding there. It's odd, as I've been noticing recently how much like him I am. Strange that two people who are so similar have to fight to find things to talk about.
Shortly after he proposed this trip I remembered the camping trip he took my brother on when I was 10 and Chris was 17. I was so hurt that I didn't get to go--even though they were backpacking and it's very likely was too young. I just remember feeling left out and rejected. I wonder if he's trying to make up for that now, catching up on the male bonding activities that we missed out on. I think that might be the case, and that he's too shy to say that he's trying to get to know his other son. From there I am again forced to think that he belives me. From there I move to a place of incredible gratitude.

5 Traffic Tickets| Illegal Manuvers

Smoking [01 Feb 2008|08:24pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

I quit smoking.

Because a week ago Nat coughed up blood. A trip to the doctor gave a diagnosis of a severe sinus infection. But I know that--if we were older-- it would be lung cancer.

Because I want kids, and it's not fair to have them if I'm going to cut out early.

Because I have sunk hundreds into cigarettes that I could have saved for surgery.

Because, by smoking, I condone my partner's smoking. And I don't want her to die.

Illegal Manuvers

Butternut [27 Jan 2008|11:44am]
[ mood | content ]

My recipe called for onions,
But butternut is so sweet and mild,
And mine was so fine and orange when I cut it
That this seemed like a crime.

I went the two blocks to the co-op for fennel,
Found none,
Walked home with leeks instead,
Which is fine--as we will be living in a world without leeks in a couple weeks anyway.

There was cider for sweetness as well,
Granny smiths for tartness
(Plus one, as I know you love them dearly)
Carrots for color,
Fresh thyme my only seasoning.
(The recipe called for dry--trespass number two)

For the rest of the day I will assemble my soup,
Using winter vegetables and
The Accumulated Knowledge of the last two years.

Leave the skins on the onions (fine for the stock)
It will add color and nutrients.
Don't peel the carrots for much the same reason.
A potato will make for a creamy soup--

And careful cleaning the leeks, they are a dirty vegetable as a rule.


Illegal Manuvers

I'm okay, but.... [18 Dec 2007|06:43pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

I was peddling down Pike in the rain, feeling good when I saw a flash of cobalt off to my left. Then came the crome of a Voltswagon logo and I was sliding sidewaise over the hood, feet still on the peddles. I landed on my left side, clutching the handlebars and trying to make sense of the images that had flashed in front of me in the last couple seconds.

I got away alright. The woman who hit me pulled over immediatly and ran up to me sobbing. I picked myself up and took stock. A little road rash, various scrapes, a sore knee and elbow. Now I'm sporting crutches and a knee imobelizer, but I got out of it all in much better shape than I could have.

Illegal Manuvers

A fall gift to you all [17 Nov 2007|07:37pm]
[ mood | happy ]

You will need:

fresh ginger
hot water
mugs
sake

brew two cups of ginger tea, make sure to keep it HOT. Sit saucers on top of the mugs and--if you're really gung ho--wrap the cups in dish towels while it's brewing. You want the mugs 2/3 full. Fill the rest with room temp to warm sake. Enjoy.

A little fall gift from me to you.

1 Traffic Ticket| Illegal Manuvers

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